


You Made Me Feel

by mjnkrypt16



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bottom Lee Jooheon, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lack of self worth, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Mentions of underage drinking, Sex workers, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Top Yoo Kihyun, subtle hyukhyung
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:26:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21767569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjnkrypt16/pseuds/mjnkrypt16
Summary: Jooheon has spent most of his life running from feelings and searching for them all at once.Craving anything to numb his nothingness, he finds someone so captivating he throws all his inhibitions away. (With the help of a bartender and a den father, of course.)
Relationships: Lee Jooheon/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 53





	1. Dancing On Wednesdays

Jooheon wasn’t quite sure where it went wrong. He doesn’t know if it was his first fight in middle school after his parents died, or if it was the tenth one of his freshman year of highschool, or if it was when he had his first drink at 13. Now at 25 he can’t remember the last time he really felt anything. He has a few friends, and he cares for them, but other than that he has nothing. And the thing about a man who feels nothing is he’ll do anything to feel something. 

Once again Jooheon found himself walking into a hole in the wall bar, not looking for anything, but looking for something all at once. This one was nicer than the one before; lush booths, candles on each table surrounding the stage, plenty of patrons in nice suits ready to act cool for the performers. 

After making a mental note of each exit he chose a bar stool at the corner of the bar. He looked up as the bartender made his way to his corner. He was a tall, skinny man, around Jooheon’s age with large round eyes that seemed to see everything, but the soft smile on his face seemed to say that he would tell nothing. The bartender leaned on the bar with one graceful raised eyebrow, “What can I get you?”

“Oh, um…” Jooheon scanned the liquor behind the bartender before deciding to go with his classic, basic, drink. “Just a rum and coke, please.” The bartender nodded before standing up to his full height. “One rum and coke coming right up. I’m Hyungwon by the way.” Jooheon nodded politely. He didn’t need his name. He had no plans to ever come back here, but if he knew a name, then his subconscious had a reason to drag him back. 

After only a short wait Hyungwon brought Jooheon his drink and set it in front of him, “One rum and coke.” Jooheon nodded and laid some money on the bar with a mumbled “Thanks.” Hyungwon flashed him his soft all knowing smile and nodded to the stage, “The show starts soon, feel free to sit closer. It’s more fun that way.” With a sly wink Hyungwon went back to helping other patrons and waiters at the bar, some more eager for his attention than others. Jooheon looked back at the stage as he took a sip of his drink. He wasn’t one to normally watch these types of shows, but something about this place had him curious. 

Just as Hyungwon had said the show started soon, but Jooheon didn’t move any closer. He didn’t want to take attention away from people who were actually there to see performers. He watched each set with a close eye. Each performer was unique and had their own aesthetics, but none of them clashed. As the lights dimmed for the last set Jooheon did another sweep of the bar and saw most patrons entertained with performers that had made their way to the floor, leaving only a few other people watching the stage.

Jooheon watched as a smaller framed silhouette stepped up onto the stage and got into position. As the lights came up and the music started to play Jooheon saw one of the most beautiful men he’d ever seen. Dressed in tight leather pants and a simple half unbuttoned white dress shirt he looked underdressed, but as Jooheon looked closer he saw small details that made him even more alluring. Gunmetal chains under his shirt laid perfectly across his delicate but still strong looking chest, catching the lights and making his skin look ethereal. The way his body moved made it seem like he was floating but cutting through the space at the same time. As Jooheon looked up to study the man’s face he felt all the air be sucked out from his lungs. Sharp, fox-like features and piercing deep brown eyes surrounded by smokey liner stared right at Jooheon as the dancer moved, only looking away when the choreography called for it. His aura demanded Jooheon’s attention, making it impossible to look away. He didn’t understand it. He’d watched several shows that night, but only this man’s dance truly attracted him. 

As the set ended and the man walked off the stage Jooheon looked around the bar, looking to see if anyone else was as captivated as he was by the dancer. No one was. But One man in particular was staring Jooheon down with a snarky grin on his face. He was tall with soft eyes that had a glint of mischief in them that would scare the weak of heart. He looked like a man who knew his worth and demanded it from the world, taking nothing less. Jooheon froze and stared back, trying to muster his best deadpan face. The man only smirked wider as he made his way across the bar to stand next to Jooheon. “Astounding, isn’t he?”

Jooheon had to fight a frown as he finished off his drink, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He turned back to face the bar trying to get the man to leave him alone. The man only turned to face the bar with him, leaning his arms on it. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before. I’m Minhyuk, nice to meet you.” Great another name; another tie to this place. Jooheon only grunted in response, but that didn’t seem to discourage Minhyuk. 

“Kihyun is the best dancer I’ve ever seen. He just moves so amazingly.” Jooheon stopped listening after he heard the dancer’s name. Kihyun. Jooheon immediately regretted listening to the chatty man next to him. He now had a name for the person who made him feel. 

Realizing Jooheon was spaced out and not even listening to him, Minhyuk waved his hand in front of his face, “You good, bud?” Jooheon flinched and looked at Minhyuk. “What? Yeah I’m fine.”

Minhyuk raised a brow and looked Jooheon up and down. “You know… I could introduce you to him.” Jooheon blinked, not fully registering what Minhyuk had just suggested. “What? No thats- No.” Jooheon went to take of his drink but stopped once he realized it was empty. “Fuck.” Minhyuk giggled at Jooheon’s expense as he waved Hyungwon over. The man’s bored expression turned into a warm smile immediately upon seeing Minhyuk. “Yes, my love?” Jooheon nearly gave himself whiplash looking between the two. 

“I think our friend here needs another drink.” Minhyuk patted Jooheon’s back with a wide grin. Hyungwon simply nodded and began to make Jooheon another drink as he stared at Minhyuk in complete disbelief. Minhyuk winked at Jooheon before sauntering off somewhere leaving him sat there discombobulated and baffled. Hyungwon turned around with Jooheon’s drink and set it in front of him. “Minnie has an order to his chaos, y’know.. He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t see something.” Jooheon sighed. “There was nothing there to see. He’s just chaotic.” Hyungwon raised an eyebrow as if he was considering it, before he shrugged, “Or maybe something saw you.”

Before Jooheon could even ask what Hyungwon meant he felt a shoulder brush against his as someone sat on the bar stool next to him. Jooheon turned his head, ready to give the person a death glare and maybe a snarky remark but he froze deer in headlights. There was the dancer; there was Kihyun. He was even more beautiful up close. His eyes struck even deeper to Jooheon’s core as he stared him down, unwavering. His lips, relaxed, but somehow still pursed in thin line. There was a small mole on the corner of his mouth. If he weren’t frozen from shock, Jooheon would have the urge to poke it. They stared at each other almost like a hunter and prey, like a fox stalking a field mouse. They only looked away from each other when Hyungwon placed a glass of bourbon in front of Kihyun. Kihyun looked at Hyungwon and nodded in thanks before taking a sip of his drink. Jooheon sipped his too. Hyungwon watched the pair sip their drinks in silence for a few moments before shaking his head with a disappointed sigh and walking away. 

After a few more moments of silence Kihyun looked at Jooheon out of the corner of his eye, “I saw you staring at me.” Jooheon furrowed his brow and scoffed, “You were performing. Of course I stared at you.” It was Kihyun’s turn to scoff. “Let me rephrase-” He turned to face Jooheon this time. “I saw you eye-fucking me.” Jooheon sputtered on his drink and looked at Kihyun with wide eyes, “Excuse me?” 

Kihyun smirked and slid Jooheon a napkin. “I saw you eye fucking me. You have very striking eyes. It was hot.” Jooheon flushed beet red from his ears to his cheeks to his neck as he wiped his mouth. “I…. I wasn’t.” Kihyun’s smirk widened. “I liked it. I’d like it if you looked at me like that some more.” Jooheon’s eyebrows shot up in shock. “Excuse me?” Kihyun took one final sip of his bourbon and slid off the bar stool. “You’re excused.” Something flashed in Kihyun’s eyes as he looked at Jooheon now, like he was inviting him into something he knew would be reckless, but would also be worth the risk. He gave Jooheon one final once over before walking away and disappearing into a doorway covered by a black curtain next to the bar. 

Jooheon sat and weighed his choices. He came in here to be a faceless, baseless shadow in the corner and get drunk enough to numb the nothingness. Now he knew three names and allegedly eye-fucked one of them. He could leave, just walk out the door and never look back; never think back. But something about Kihyun drew him in. Jooheon wasn’t sure if it was the man’s scent of lilies, sweet citrus and fresh picked tobacco or the kissable mole at the corner of his small, soft looking mouth. Or maybe it was the fire in his eyes when he danced, burning out all the negative presumptions people had of him. Or it could be the strength and control he had when he moved with which cut through the space he was in, owning it. Fuck. All Jooheon knew was a name. And the power the person it belonged to held. Jooheon stood up and looked at the exit one more time before walking through the curtain covered doorway. 

There was a long, wide hallway behind the curtain that was lined with doors on each side. As Jooheon walked down the hallway he noticed each door was closed and either had a sign on the door handle that either said ‘vacant’ or ‘empty. Not knowing which door Kihyun was behind, and not daring to knock on even the vacant ones, Jooheon considered turning around and leaving. The thought left his brain quickly as he spotted an open door at the end of the hall. Jooheon approached it and looked at the occupied sign on the doorknob before taking a peek into the room. There he was, sitting on a comfy looking leather couch, legs spread a bit more than was necessary, and looking at the door way expectantly. Looking at Jooheon confidently and triumphant. Jooheon stood in the doorway and stared at Kihyun, making sure he really wanted this, but the more he stared the more he wanted it. Kihyun stared back at Jooheon, not scrutinizing him for taking his time, or rushing him, simply inviting him in in the most terrifying and equaling alluring way. Jooheon took the final step inside and pulled the door closed behind him.

Only once the door was closed behind Jooheon did Kihyun move, and he only leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I have rules.” Kihyun looked up at Jooheon with serious eyes, all hints of playfulness completely gone from his face. Jooheon swallowed and nodded, he didn’t expect rules, but it made sense, this was Kihyun’s job. “We need a safe word. I won’t touch you without one, you won’t touch me without one. Secondly, no penetration happens without a condom, period.” Kihyun looked at Jooheon, expecting a verbal response. Jooheon nodded. “Understood.” Kihyun stared at Jooheon for a moment longer before giving him a half-smile half-smirk and leaning back into his lounging position. 

“I’m Kihyun.” He looked up at Jooheon expectantly. Jooheon paused. No one was supposed to know his name. As he considered giving a fake name, Kihyun’s expression changed from expectant and flirty to slight concern. “Jooheon. My name is Jooheon.” He blurted his name faster than he intended, but Kihyun’s supportive gaze seemed to scream trustworthy. Kihyun smiled gently and motioned for Jooheon to sit next to him. Jooheon crossed the room to sit on the couch next to Kihyun, their thighs touching. Jooheon followed the contact up Kihyun’s legs to his crotch, a semi-hard bulge nestled between his thighs encased in tight leather. He was bigger than he seemed, and how he could hold a semi through all of Jooheon’s hesitation was beyond him.

Kihyun watched with a smirk as Jooheon checked out his cock before hooking his thumb and forefinger under Jooheon’s chin, tilting his head so he was looking Kihyun in the eye. “We don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. You say your safe word and we stop, no questions asked.” The genuine sincerity caught Jooheon by surprise as he looked into Kihyun’s concerned eyes. “Pineapple. My safeword is pineapple.” Kihyun flashed his gentle trustworthy smile as he ran his thumb over Jooheon’s plump bottom lip. Jooheon shivered at the touch. He was so touch starved that any gentle touch made his stomach flip and his cock twitch. 

As Jooheon looked at Kihyun, keeping eye contact, he ran his hand up Kihyun’s thigh, cupping his crotch in his palm. Kihyun was indeed bigger than he looked, Jooheon didn’t mind at all. Kihyun’s hand slipped from Jooheon’s mouth as he leaned in to capture it with his lips. The kiss started out slow, testing the waters. Once they each figured out how to fit perfectly with the other, the kiss heated up, becoming more needy. As they kissed, exploring each other’s lips and taste Jooheon began to gently massage Kihyun through his pants. The friction seemed to aggravate him because he kissed Jooheon more harshly. It wasn’t long before Jooehon had to pull away for a breath.

When Jooheon pulled away, Kihyun took the opportunity to kiss down Jooheon’s jaw to his neck. As Kihyun was gently nibbling and kissing his neck Jooheon undid his confining leather pants. He was more surprised than he should have been that Kihyun wasn’t wearing underwear. Kihyun let out a soft gasp against Jooheon’s neck as the cool air of the room hit his increasingly warm cock. Jooheon moaned in the back of his throat as he ran his thumb over the reddening tip, smearing a tiny bead of precum. Not that Jooheon has seen an excessive amount of cocks, but he figured this was the most beautiful one he’d ever seen, and he was determined to let Kihyun know that. 

Jooheon pulled Kihyun’s full length out and stroked it slowly. Kihyun arched into the touch with a soft moan. After a few strokes Jooheon slid off the couch so he was kneeling between Kihyun’s thighs, he ran his hands up them before giving the underside of Kihyun's cock a long, slow lick. Kihyun’s head lulled against the back of the couch as he moaned at the sensation. Pleased with the reactions he was getting, Jooheon carried on. He gripped the base of Kihyun’s cock as he swirled his tongue around the tip before taking it in his mouth. He stroked the base as he sucked gently on his tip, looking up at Kihyun as he did so. 

Kihyun laced his fingers in Jooheon’s hair as Jooheon began to bob his head, taking more of Kihyun’s length in his mouth with every motion. Jooheon kept eye contact as he pushed his head all the way down, gagging softly as Kihyun’s tip hit the back of his throat. He felt his eyes sting with tears, but never looked away from Kihyun. He was eye-fucking him. Kihyun felt himself building up too fast. He pulled Jooheon’s head of him with gritted teeth. “Couch. Now.” Jooheon panted softly as a string of drool dripped down his chin onto Kihyun’s leather clad thighs. 

Jooheon stood, rubbing his sore knees as he stood up before pulling off his shirt. Kihyun smirked at the well built, but full sight in front of him. He guided Jooheon closer by his hips, kissing a line from his sternum to his naval. Jooheon stood in front of Kihyun and watched him. Kihyun gave a gentle nip to Jooheon’s stomach before undoing his pants and pulling them down along with Jooheon’s boxers. Jooheon felt exposed and raw, but Kihyun looked up at him with a comforting smile, washing Jooheon’s worries away. Kihyun’s smile turned into a smirk as he used his grip on Jooheon’s hips to pull him down onto the couch with his back against the arm rest, leaving his legs hanging off. Jooheon stared up at Kihyun with wide eyes as Kihyun slid back and pulled his legs up on the couch. Kihyun rubbed Jooheon’s thighs as he spread them, groping at the muscular flesh. “Has anyone ever told you that you have amazing thighs?” Jooheon’s face flushed with a soft blush as he shook his head. “Well they’re fucking phenominal.” Kihyun slid back even more so he could lean down and nip a Jooheon’s inner thigh.

Jooheon gasped softly and looked down at Kihyun between his thighs, watching as Kihyun made his way to his perineum, kissing the skin there. Jooheon’s head fell back as Kihyun licked up his sac and length, stopping to kiss the precum tip of his cock. Jooheon’s back instinctively arched off the couch as Kihyun took his tip in his mouth. Kihyun rubbed Jooheon’s thighs as he began to slowly bob his head. Jooheon moaned and gripped the arm of the couch, digging his blunt nails into the soft leather. Seeing Jooheon so worked up urged Kihyun on as he pushed his head all the way down, taking Jooheon’s whole length in his mouth. Kihyun didn’t even flinch. Jooheon’s moans steadily raised in pitch as Kihyun worked him in his mouth, only pulling away for quick breaths before pushing his head back down to his base. 

As Jooheon felt himself getting close to his limit he started whining louder, “Ki-Kihyun! I’m close..!” Kihyun looked up at Jooheon as he pulled off his cock with a quiet pop. “It’s okay baby, you can come for me,” His voice was hoarse from the abuse done to his throat. He gripped Jooheon’s member and stroked him at the same pace as he was bobbing his head. Jooheon squirmed and whimpered as Kihyun finished him with his hand, making Jooheon spill in his hand. Kihyun chuckled softly as he gave Jooheon’s cock one last kiss before sitting up. Jooheon looked at him through lidded eyes as he tried to catch his breath, “You need to….” He trailed off as his eyes fell to Kihyun’s neglected hard on.

Kihyun had gotten used to the throbbing between his legs, but when Jooheon looked at him it became glaringly obvious. “I’ve got it baby boy. Just sit back and enjoy yourself.” Kihyun grabbed a small lube packet off the small coffee table that Jooheon hadn’t even noticed before tearing it open and smearing it on his cock. Jooheon’s eyes widened slightly as Kihyun pressed his legs together. Kihyun looked at him and rubbed his knee, “Don’t worry, I’m not putting it in.” Jooheon nodded slowly as he watched Kihyun settle on his haunches and putting his cock between Jooheon’s thighs. Jooheon groaned as Kihyun began to move his hips slowly. Kihyun’s soft grunts as he fucked Jooheon’s thighs increased along with his speed. It wasn’t long before he gripped Jooheon’s thighs tightly as he gave a final thrust and spilled onto Jooheon’s lower stomach. Jooheon moaned at the sight of Kihyun leaned over him blissed out and panting heavily. Kihyun looked up at Jooheon and leaned down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss.

Pulling away from the kiss slowly, and reluctantly, Kihyun stood up, fixing his now soft member back into his pants. “I’ll grab you a towel.” Jooheon could only nod and watch as Kihyun walked over to a cabinet in the corner and grabbed a towel from it. “They’re all fresh, I promise.” Kihyun smiled gently as he walked back over to Jooheon, sitting on the table across from him. Jooheon sat up on his elbows and went to take the towel from Kihyun to clean himself up, but Kihyun had already started wiping the drying cum from his stomach. “I made the mess, I’ll clean it baby.” Jooheon flush from the pet name. So it wasn’t a spur of the moment reaction. “Thank you…” Jooheon’s voice came out softer than he planned it to, but Kihyun didn’t seem to notice. 

Once he was done cleaning Kihyun set the towel down and looked at Jooheon as he started to redress himself. Jooheon dressed himself in silence, not really sure what he should say to a stranger he just let fuck his thighs; and that called him baby boy. He looked at Kihyun as he zipped up his pants. Kihyun was staring at him again, like he was studying him. “I dance every Wednesday night.” Kihyun finally spoke as he stood up. He could tell Jooheon wasn’t going to be the one to break the silence and needed time to process everything that had just happened. 

“Come back and eye-fuck me some time.” Kihyun gave Jooheon one last once over with a satisfied smirk before walking out of the room, leaving Jooheon standing there. Jooheon was left there with so much more than his nothingness. He was left there with questions, emotions and butterflies in his stomach. Kihyun had left Jooheon in that room with emotions, many of which Jooheon didn’t quite know how to process, so he walked out of the room, then out of the hallway, then finally out of the bar. Once outside he looked back; thought back. Maybe he would start dancing on Wednesdays.


	2. Middle Of The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon takes walks in the middle of the night to clear his mind, but when he is so focused on whats going on his mind, he his legs carry him to unfamiliar familiarity. Gravity pulls him to where he is supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this has taken so long, and it's a bit bland/shorter than i wanted, but i hope you still enjoy it.

It had been two Wednesdays after Jooheon had been to that bar. It had been two Wednesdays since Jooheon felt those feelings; two Wednesdays since everything Jooheon thought he knew about himself was proven wrong. Over the past two weeks Jooheon often found his mind wandering back to that night. He’d find himself thinking of the way Kihyun moved on stage and off; the power with which he carried himself. When he was in his bed on sleepless nights he would think of the way Kihyun spoke to him, the way his voice could change from cocky to sweet, sending chills down his spine. 

Tonight was also a sleepless night, but instead of laying in bed and staring helplessly at his ceiling, Jooheon decided to take a walk. He did this often when he couldn’t sleep. The anonymity that the night provided gave Jooheon the strength to venture out and watch; to see. Jooheon walked around the city, absentmindedly looking at the grungy details of the cement; little bits of graffiti here and there, lonely blades of grass somehow pushing through the cracks in the sidewalk, everything a normal person would look past or see as ‘just how things are’. 

Jooheon slowed his pace to a halt as his surroundings became familiarly  _ un _ familiar. He looked up and was greeted with the glaring red neon sign of the club. He paid attention to the name this time;  _ Gravity _ . How fitting. Jooheon had been inexplicably drawn to this building, to the people inside it, like a gravitational pull. Jooheon stared at the building, unable to walk away or even look away from it. Then the realization hit him, it was a Wednesday. The third Wednesday since he’d been there the first time. Jooheon took a deep breath, steadying himself before walking into the club.

Jooheon did his usual scan around the space, taking note of the people and their postures, their possible intentions, and making sure the exits were where he remembered them being. His gaze stuttered over the black curtain doorway. As he got to the bar he noticed the tall chatty one - Minhyuk - was bartending rather than Hyungwon. Jooheon furrowed his brows in slight confusion for a moment before he regained his neutral expression. It was none of his business. 

With another steadying deep breath he approached the bar and took the very corner seat again, away from the general commotion of a bar. He watched as Minhyuk floated from person to person, flawlessly making drinks and keeping up with each conversation. Once Minhyuk spotted Jooheon he flashed a wide smile that seemed to radiate sunshine as he made his way over to him, “You’re back! I was starting to think we’d never see you again.” Jooheon just shrugged, not really knowing what to say. It didn’t even take a beat before Minhyuk began to fill his silence. “Kihyun is performing again tonight. Oh! And so is Wonnie!” Minhyuk seemed to radiate more sunshine at the mention of Hyungwon. “Anyways, what would you like to get started with?” 

Jooheon blinked and briefly thought about pretending to consider his options, but he wasn’t in the mood for pretending tonight. “Jack and coke, please.” Minhyuk nodded and as he started to make Jooheon’s drink, he heard a set about to begin. He didn’t bother paying attention to it, knowing Kihyun would be last. Minhyuk set Jooheon’s drink in front of him with a soft smile. “If you need anything else just wave me down,okay?” Jooheon nodded as he watched Minhyuk flutter off to help other people.

He spent the first few sets nursing his drink, taking small sips and watching the dancers. If he counted correctly, there were only two left. He watched as the second to last set started, the lights came up and Hyungwon was standing on stage. He wasn’t alone. There was a shorter man on stage with him. The man’s dark features and large nose made him look like an old man and a teenager all at once. Jooheon watched as the pair danced to Charlie Puth’s  _ “How Long” _ . He was more interested than attracted to the pair. He was interested in how Hyungwon’s graceful energy paired with the dark, scrappy energy of the other man. Jooheon looked at Minhyuk as their set came to an end. Minhyuk was smiling proudly as the pair walked backstage. 

Jooheon turned his attention back to the stage as the lights changed for the final set. For Kihyun’s set. He watched Kihyun’s silhouette come from backstage to his starting point on stage. When the lights came up fully Jooheon scanned Kihyun’s outfit for the night. It was similar to the one before, white, black and gunmetal. Instead of leather pants they were black denim, the white button up was the same, the chains still glistened against his chest. 

Jooheon watched as Kihyun began to move to the music, his movements as precise as Jooheon remembered them being. He could see Kihyun scan the crowd, before locking eyes with Jooheon as he danced. Jooheon watched Kihyun the same way he did the first night, with wonder and attraction. Kihyun continued his performance, keeping his eye contact with Jooheon when the choreography allowed him to. 

It wasn’t until Kihyun left the stage before Jooheon looked away from it and turned back to face the bar. He jumped in surprise at seeing Hyungwon’s dance partner sitting right next to him. Jooheon hadn’t even noticed the man approach him. The dancer looked even younger up close as he stared at Jooheon with large round eyes. “I’ve never seen Kihyun stare at someone like that… You must be the eye-fucker Min talked about?”

Jooheon blinked a few times and stared at the dancer for a moment before opening his mouth to speak. Before he could even say anything Minhyuk spoke up, “Kyunnie be nice!” The man waved off Minhyuk’s warning as he studied Jooheon. “Your eyes are just as dull as Kihyun’s…” It was probably meant to be a thought rather than a statement. Jooheon’s brows furrowed in offence before he really processed what the dancer had said. ‘Just as dull as Kihyun’s.’ He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts he barely noticed Minhyuk slapping the dancer upside the head. “Changkyun!” Fuck. Another name.

Minhyuk rolled his eyes before blinding Jooheon with another sunshine smile. “Another drink?” Jooheon nodded as Minhyuk began making his drink, like he knew the answer already. Jooheon watched Changkyun rub the dull pain away from his head before looking back at him. “Jack and coke? What are you, fortyfive? Gross.” Jooheon scoffed at the casual topic switch. “At least I don’t look barely legal and seventy all at the same time.” He could hear Minhyuk’s muffled laughs as he held Changkyun’s stare. Almost like they were fighting for dominance with their gaze. Like who was the funniest.

After Changkyun broke away with an eye roll he stood. “I’ve got money to make. I’ll tell Kihyun you’re here for him.” Jooheon nearly choked on his drink and looked at Changkyun. “I’m not here for him… I’m just here.” Changkyun blinked before laughing. “Yeah. You came back after three weeks on the day he dances just to be here.” He waved off any arguments Jooheon tried to fight back with as he walked to the backstage door. 

As if on cue, shortly after Changkyun disappeared into the back, Kihyun came walking out. He walked to the bar proudly, as if knowing he controlled the room. He walked straight to the seat next to Jooheon, but never looked at him, or at least that Jooheon could notice. Jooheon just stared at Kihyun in silence as he waved down Minhyuk for his already half made drink. It was only once his drink was set in front of him and Minhyuk whisked off that Kihyun looked at Jooheon. Looked right into the deepest parts of Jooheon.

“I didn’t expect you to come back, you were gone for so long.” Kihyun spoke so calmly yet with so much conviction it caught Jooheon off guard. He couldn’t look into those strong, deep fox eyes any longer. “Neither did I. It just kind of happened.” 

For the first time Jooheon heard Kihyun scoff with annoyance. “Yeah because ending up here twice, on the same week day, but three weeks apart, just happens.” Kihyun took a sip of his drink with another sigh before looking back at Jooheon. “Why don’t you come to the back with me?” 

Jooheon looked up with slight shock. “I don’t… I didn’t come for… for  _ that _ .” Kihyun let out his airy birdsong laugh and shook his head. “I wasn’t suggesting that, but it’s good to know you haven’t forgotten what I can do.” With one of his famous smirks Kihyun walked through the secret holding black curtain. The curtain that trapped Jooheon’s emotions for the man that had just walked through it like it was nothing. 

With a final chug of his drink Jooheon stood and walked through the curtain. He walked to the same door as before as if on instinct. When he looked in the open door, Kihyun was sitting on the couch again, but it felt completely different. There was no alluring aura in the room, no heightened pulses from arousal or excitement. Just nervousness and tension. With a grounding deep breath Jooheon stepped in the room and closed the door behind him. Kihyun watched him with calming eyes, but Jooheon knew better. He knew this was going to be a conversation full of emotions. The kind of conversation he runs from. But he couldn’t run from Kihyun. In fact, he took a seat next to him on the couch.

“I wanted to talk to you about last time. I don’t know if it was because we were both touch starved or if it was just me, but I can’t get you out of my head.” Kihyun spoke and gazed at Jooheon with earnest. “I just need to know if it's one sided, or if it’s just once every three weeks thing, or whatever it is. I just need to know. I don’t care what the answer is.”

Jooheon looked down and listened to Kihyun speak. His first instinct was to get up and run away. To act like he’d never seen Kihyun. But something kept him sitting on that leather couch next to Kihyun. 

“I…. I’ve never felt anything like what you make me feel.” Jooheon looked back up at Kihyun as he spoke. “Well to be honest I’m not quite sure I’ve ever felt much of anything…”

“That's sad.” Kihyun watched Jooheon with genuine sincerity despite his apathetic statement. Jooheon couldn’t help his offended expression as he looked at Kihyun, “I- what?”

Kihyun blinked and looked at him apologetically. “I just meant that… well its sad. I guess I meant what I said, but I said it harshly.” He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. 

Jooheon couldn’t hold eye contact with Kihyun anymore as he looked down at the floor, mulling over what Kihyun had said before finally answering him. “I don’t know what it is about you, and this place, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind either.” Kihyun nodded in understanding as he listened to Jooheon. “But I don’t think I hate it. I just… I just think I need time.” He cautiously looked back up at Kihyun to check on his expression. 

Kihyun looked at Jooheon with soft understanding eyes. “All anyone has is time, Jooheon.” He smiled softly. The sound of his name on Kihyun’s lips rang in his head. For the first time in a long time he felt affirmed and safe. “Thank you.”

The rest of the night was spent telling each other little facts about the other. Nothing too specific or too insightful. Nothing that would create more ties but still managed to strengthen the ones that were already there. Kihyun would ask questions and be satisfied with any form of vague answer Jooheon gave. Jooheon had never talked about himself for this long, or even cared to listen about someone else for that long. When it was time for the bar to close and him to leave, he gave Kihyun his number. 

He spent the whole walk home thinking. The details he’d seen on the way there looked different somehow. The colors of the graffiti seemed brighter, the struggling grass in the sidewalk cracks seemed greener. His walk in the middle of the night was less about escaping himself and more about finding himself now, and he was oddly okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/mjnkrypt16)


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